strange things are afoot @ the circle k

NEVER READ THE COMMENTS (An Internet Guide to Not Sounding Like an Ignorant Piece of Shit Even When You Are One)

I recently read an article about why Daniel Tosh is an unfunny douchebag for responding to a woman who shouted that rape isn’t funny with “Wouldn’t it be funny if she just got raped by like, five guys?” [x].

The worst part about the article, like all of humanity, is that every single white male feels the need to pretend he’s the goddamn comedy expert of the year, having clearly never met or interacted with or even sat next to a real-life comedian before.

Thusly, as someone who is actually a stand-up comedian and is actually not speaking out of my own asshole, I have comprised a helpful list outlining the difference between heckling and not heckling, as well as the difference between comedy and not comedy, so that dudebros everywhere may learn from their mistakes and go forth into the world better people. Just kidding, see you all Daniel Tosh fans in the annals of anonymous hatemail of my personal tumblr!

Here are some examples of heckling. Some of these things may have been yelled at me in actuality, in spirit, or in my recurring comedy nightmare dreams: “You’re a stupid dyke!” “You want a dick in your mouth to shut you up?” “Take your top off, lesbian slut!” “Fuck you!”

Here are some examples of not heckling: “Hey, rape/racism/misogyny isn’t funny!” End of list.

Here are some examples of jokes: “The thing about roleplaying during sex is that my boyfriend never wanted to put on a wig and answer to Olivia Wilde.”

Here are some examples of things that are not jokes: “I hope you get raped.” “Here’s the thing about [minority race]” -[said by white person.] “Women are all [disparaging comment]” -[said by man.]

Here are appropriate way to respond to hecklers who make comments about your tits, sexual orientation, gender identity, etc: “Hey, asshole, no one’s paying to listen to your bullshit.” “No woman will ever love you.” “Your mom thinks I’m a tiger in the bedroom.”

Here are appropriate ways to respond to women who yell “rape isn’t funny”, (assuming you’re enough of an ignorant white man swimming in a sea of shit and horror to make rape jokes in the first place): NOTHING. YOU SAY FUCKING NOTHING. BECAUSE SUPPOSING SHE IS A RAPE VICTIM AND THEN WHO’S THE ASSHOLE NOW, MOTHERFUCKER?

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