I’ve been working my way through the back library of Earwolf’s “How Did This Get Made?” and got super excited when I saw that they had an episode dedicated to On The Line, which is the worst movie starring boybanders.
Well, the worst WATCHABLE movie — the truly worst movie is Longshot. Despite cameos from Britney Spears, *NSYNC, O-Town, LFO, Take 5, Innosense, Full Force (wha? that was a group?) and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Kenny Rogers, Danielle Fishel, Paul Sorvino, Dustin Diamond, Jermaine Jackson, Kelly Rutherford, Lark Voorhees and Gilbert Gottfried, this tale about a LA personal trainer/gigolo “who is blackmailed by a corrupt and powerful businessman and is forced to seduce a wealthy widow in NYC to obtain insider information so his blackmailer can profit” was not a blockbuster success. I would suggest that HDTGM cover it, but I wouldn’t wish a viewing on anyone.
I have a copy of this, on VHS. I did not purchase it, and yet I can’t seem to get rid of it. I have no idea why.
ANYWAY — I loved the “How Did This Get Made?” podcast, and their breakdown of the love story of Hubcap and Turkey Sandwich. (Once you listen to it, it’ll all make sense. And if you’ve seen the movie, it makes PERFECT sense. However, I felt that Paul Scheer, Jason Mantzoukas, June Diane Raphael and Ike Barinholtz missed out on a HUGE aspect of the film that we at PopGurls detailed in our review of the film. Which we saw in the theaters, in 2001. In fact, several of us actually went to the premiere.
I present some selections from our take on the Big Gay Love Story in On the Line: Slashy Goodness
You’ve heard the company line: how this is a “Boy meets gurl, boy loses gurl, boy tries to find gurl and make with the awkward open-mouthed-devouring kisses” kind of a movie.
Don’t believe the hype.
What On The Line is, actually, is a “Two boys find their way to one another while their roommates, two other boys obviously in love and settled, play along” kind of movie. And in some scenes, there’s an extraneous gurl.
Rod (Joey Fatone) to Kevin (Lance Bass): “You. You should have never quit the band.”
Unspoken Subtext: “Because I can’t bear to be apart from you.”
Rod, mid-diatribe about the hypocrisy of the music business: “Dude, I’m about the love.”
Eric, to Rod, with his hands on either side of Rod’s face: “And the passion.”
U.S.: “And I know firsthand, baybee.”
Eric, to Kevin: “I can’t believe Brady hooked you up with that article in the paper, considering you dissed and dismissed his ass during high school.” His. Ass.
Rod to Kevin before singing a slightly altered version of “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn”: “Kevin, this one’s for you.” Cut to significant look from Eric to Kevin.
Playing “Barbecueball” in the park, Kevin throws the ball at Rod: “What the heck did you do that for?”
“That’s for using my towel the other day.”
“Yeah, well, I also wore your underwear.”
Eric (GQ), to Randy (James Bulliard), as they sit on the couch playing footsie: “Hey dude. You don’t look so good.”
“Yeah, you usually look better.”
If Rod and Kevin are the slashy heart of the movie, Eric and Randy are the first runners up.
One of the baskets in the mailroom is labeled “Chance.” For those of you not up on *Nslash, this is a happy conjunction used to indicate a Chris/Lance pairing. Chris. Lance. Chance. Get it?
Rod, introducing his song: “This is, uh, a song I wrote for a very good friend of mine.” Meaning Kevin. Immediately followed by the lyrics, “I get a feeling I can’t explain whenever your eyes meet mine…”
It’s really just all about the boy love.